Forever mine
by Myra Elysium
Summary: Tsuruga Ren wants Mogami Kyouko. But his demons stop him from reaching out to her. Then one fateful night, something happened that shook him up, made him kill his demons and just take her into his arms. He loved her. He'd always love her. Written completely in Ren's point of view. Read and review :)
1. I wanted her

Today again, I stole a glance at her. She was cheerful as usual. Her pink tracksuit hung to her body in a way as if complimenting her agility. She called it "The curse". I liked it on her. I liked everything that she wore. She was just beautiful. I couldn't stop admiring her. The way she talked. The way she walked. The way she got nervous when I'd get strict. It all made me feel warm inside. I wanted her...

Yashiro and I walked out of the doors of LME. It was a chilly day. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and made my way to the car. I should think about the upcoming shoot. I should be revising the lines in my head. But all i could think about was her smiling face. I was smitten.

We drove to the shooting location. It was a new drama I was starring in; Turmoil. The male lead was a Korean businessman, Choi Ji Woo who had to move to Japan for a while to escape false propaganda against him. He was the serious, brooding kind of man whom no one will approach unless dire need forced them to. The story was interesting enough. It showed his struggle to build and protect his empire from his own flesh and blood who had turned on him. I found the script interesting and had chosen it. The shoot took most of the day.

Acting was my passion. When I acted, I would get immersed in the role and no other thought would be in my head than those of the character i was playing. It was the perfect escape. Escape from my issues. Escape from my worries. Escape from my desperation to have her. Escape from my fears of losing her. Escape from the truth getting out.

"That's it for the day. Good job, everyone!" The director called it a wrap and i headed to the dressing room to get changed. Yashiro followed behind me, reading my schedule for the next day. I had a shoot around noon tomorrow. I would've preferred an early shoot. I didn't like having free time on my hands. I didn't know how to stop my thoughts in that time.

I made an excuse to get him to fix the schedule but he didn't budge. Apparently it had taken him quite a while to get the schedule set for the month. He had no intentions of falling into my trap.

"Do you want to have dinner, Ren?" Yashiro asked.

"Sure. The usual place?"

He nodded. I got behind the wheel and the car reered to life. There was small restuarant run by a single mother. We discovered it a few months ago. The lady was nice enough to give us a private sitting area. The food was good too. We had a quiet meal. Just two tired men interested in going home and sleeping. I dropped him off to his apartment. It was just a few blocks away from mine.

I reached my building, parked the car and went inside. I didn't bother turning on the lights and just walked straight to the bed room. In a few minutes, I had changed into my nightwear and was ready to go to sleep.

I set the alarm on my cell and put it on the nightstand. I dimmed the lights and pulled the covers over me. All was set for me to drift off to another dreamless sleep. Except for one secret habit I had adopted recently.

From underneath the pillow, I pulled out a picture of her. She was wearing a flowery, light pink sundress. Her hair blowing in the wind; beautiful and lush black. Like her real hair colour. She was smiling while looking straight at the camera. I found this picture of her on Yashiro's desktop. It was for some advertisment for LME. It was the only picture of her where her amber eyes seemed to be fixed on me. As if she was smiling just for me.

I took it from his computer when he was busy, got it printed and put it in a sterling frame. I started putting it on the nightstand in front of me. It felt like she was right there. The nightmares lessened after she started watching over me at night. My beautiful Kyoko. Oh! how I wanted her in my arms...


	2. I needed her

Life will screw you no matter how cautious you are. I took each step with care. I made sure no one found out what I was hiding. My heart. My feelings. My soul. I just couldn't allow them to be seem. I didn't know what I'd do if someone saw inside. I had always been like this. I couldn't change. Even trying to change was futile. This was me. Guarded. Controlled. Can't let go. It was easier to become someone else through my characters than to change the real me. I was a coward. But still I wanted her. And I didn't know what to do about it. I tried to get out of my boundaries. But they were guarded with thorns of anxiety. So I gave up. I was weak. Too weak to even say it out aloud that I was weak. So I did what I always do. Pulled the covers on my head and smothered that voice in me that wanted her.

She was smart. Too smart. That's how she sneaked inside my carefully guarded fort. Her and her only was the person who would see the fakeness in my smile. So for her, I gave some reality to it...

She was naïve. Too naïve. That's how she got my heart to hurt. Only her innocent gaze made it bleed. It wanted that gaze to be fixed on it. But it knew it was too weak, too cowardly to gaze back.

She was fierce. Too fierce. She won't back down no matter how angry I made her feel. She was still up the second day, looking at me, challenging me, daring me to make her go away. She knew I'd fail.

I wanted her. I just now had to be strong enough to need her. To need her so desperately, to make it hurt so much that I'd run to hold on to her…

* * *

"If you're not feeling well, go home. I'll manage your schedule here with the team and inform you. Don't wait up for me."

It was the third time Yashiro told me to go early. It was a script reading. My part was done. I was sticking around for Yashiro since we came together.

"Just go. I WILL NOT catch you if you fall!" he threatened. Actually my head had been hurting all day and I was coughing. Yashiro was under the illusion that I might catch a cold and go down with fever. As if! But he was quite persistent so I said my goodbyes and took off.

It was nearly 1 in the night. The road was quiet and deserted. I switched on the mp3 player to kill the silence. A song "Beneath my beautiful" started playing. I didn't bother changing the song. Whatever played was fine.

I kept driving thoughtlessly. I just had to reach home and shut down again for the night. I assumed I was driving thoughtlessly. Perhaps I was too immersed in thinking about shutting down that I didn't notice the sharp turn the road took.

I had been speeding since the road was empty. The sharp turn took me by surprise. Unconsciously I hit the brakes. Wrong move. The car was too fast and skidded out of control. It went spiraling down the road, tires screeched and burned, smoke rose from the burnt rubber.

I tried to control it. But in vain. It swiveled down the road. The driver's side of the car hit straight into a telephone pole. The glass from the window shattered and shot towards me. A huge piece hit my neck. Other small ones injured my hands and my face. But I didn't have the time to comprehend my wounds. My body was already pushed to the side by the force of the crash. Air bags opened before I hit the hard dashboard. But the worst wasn't over yet. The pole seemingly was not strong. It snapped. With a loud thud the entire pole slammed against the roof of my car. The roof gave way from some places. Unfortunately the places where the roof gave way were straight above my head.

It all happened in a instant. I tried to comprehend my surroundings. But the sharp pain pierced through my head. My ears were ringing. And I was sure I was bleeding from somewhere.

The last thought that came to my mind before my mind blacked out was that I never held her in my arms. And that was the greatest regret of my life at the moment I assumed I won't wake up again…

I don't know how long it took for my consciousness to shift from an absolute dark oblivion of nothingness to this eerie dream I'll call it. Was I out for days? Or had I already passed on from the world to another? I had no comprehension of anything. I just understood that it was dark and so utterly quiet that I couldn't even hear my own thoughts. That's how it stayed for an unknown period of time. Where was I? At first I couldn't tell. Then when I got some of my senses back, I realized I was in a small cage.

The cage was just hanging mid air. Nothing was holding it there. I was curled up in a ball. My head on my knees and I was just sitting there. Never trying to get out. There was nothing outside or at least I couldn't see anything outside the cage.

I was trapped but I somehow lacked the realization that I was trapped. It was queer phenomena. I stayed in the ignorant, quiet imprisonment for another unknown eternity.

Then I saw something moving outside my cage. It was far away. Out of focus. Slowly but surely moving towards me. My eyes fixed on it. I was curious but at the same time some indifference flowed through me too. I still was not aware of my incarceration.

Then I finally saw her. It was her. Kyoko. That's all I can say with certainty. I couldn't comprehend her looks for some reason. It was strange trance. But all that I could say with utmost certainty was that it was her.

She was just there. Was she smiling? Was she crying? I couldn't perceive anything.

But her presence suddenly shook up my slumbering consciousness. Suddenly I could see the bars of my cage. Suddenly I realized I was trapped. Perhaps it was the knowledge that there was a world beyond my cage that made me realize I was trapped. Whatever it was, all of a sudden, I was very restless.

I felt a dire need to be outside. There was this frustration inside of me. I can tell that her presence instigated these rumbling emotions in me. But despite the apparent desperation of my heart, I was still curled up in a ball on the floor of my cage; not moving.

The urgency to be outside with her was smothering yet for some reason a paralysis had overtook me. It was as if my conscience was trapped in a marble statue. It won't move no matter how much my conscience screeched. It was an agonizing dilemma.

My eyes were fixed on her. Checking whether she was there or not. I spent another infinity struggling against the paralysis. In vain, alas! And then I just stopped struggling. I had given up and accepted the cage. The desperation hadn't died. Just the struggle of fulfilling that desperate urge had. Was it sad? Was it hurtful? I didn't know. All I knew was that she was still there. For that moment, that was enough.

I kept staring at her despite the fact that I still couldn't perceive anything but the realization of her presence. And then it disappeared too. The oblivion was empty again…

All this while one particular sentiment was silent. Pain. Now it went rampant. It choked me mercilessly. I struggled for one breath but it smothered me. My throat clenched sharply. My lungs burned for need of air. But agony kept strangling me.

My struggled resumed all of a sudden. The desperation to have her became the desire to live. With every ounce of conscious energy I felt, I lunged for one gasp. The paralysis broke, the walls of cage disappeared and just as I fell into the darkness, I woke up…

* * *

My eyes suddenly shot open. A sudden flood of light burned them. With squinted eyes, I tried to look around. A commotion was going around. I could see Yashiro was shouting something that although I could hear, couldn't comprehend just yet. Boss suddenly appeared above me too. I was lying down. My heart was racing. My body was shivering from the aftershock of that incubus. I still couldn't move. My mind was going haywire. I put all my efforts into getting up. The feeling of paralysis scared the hell out of me. My heart was pounding against my chest. Suddenly I thrust my body forward and sat upright.

Yashiro put his hand on my shoulder, trying to get me to lay down. He was telling me to lay down but my mind was so much in a disarray. I just kept looking around not understanding the strange trance I was caught in. But somewhere within me, I knew I was looking for her. And she wasn't there.

"Kyoko" I mumbled. Yashiro saw me trying to speak and moved closer. The doctor and nurse had arrived by then. The doctor immediately injected me with something that was definitely a sedative. My mind suddenly blacked out again. I tried to fight it but it just invaded my senses. This time my conscience didn't try to perceive the oblivion I got stuck in. It was quiet silent nothingness. I didn't feel a thing. But despite the numbness of my mind, I knew what I had to do.

I had finally found it. My desperation to need her. Now I no longer just wanted her. I needed her. And I was going to use this need to force myself to break out of my cages and get her. Finally I needed her…


	3. I let the truth slip out

It had been almost two days since I'd been lying in this bed. They told me I was lucky. My shoulder was dislodged, my right arm fractured, a few wounds and scratches here and there and a concussion. Nothing serious. I'd be up and about soon. My car was ruined though. I didn't care. I was not the type to have an obsession with material things. My passion and obsession lied with her and her only. For the past 29 hours I'd been staring at door. People have been coming and going all this while. At first I wanted to tell them off. I almost called for Yashiro to ask him to stop anyone from coming in. But then I stopped myself. What if she came to see me and they didn't let her in. I couldn't take that risk. So I'm enduring this racket while waiting for her. She isn't here yet. And I fear she won't come either. That girl tended to over think simple things. She'd be worried whether it was her place to come visit me or not. Silly fool. She didn't even know I've been looking for her all this while.

That incubus of a trance had shook me up. I would not stop now. I would hold her and kiss her and love her with all the ardent flame I had. At least once in my lifetime, I should let myself be vulnerable. I should allow the risk and agony to haunt me until I let go. At least once I wanted to go crazy. To break all these shackles that were holding me down and just do what I've been dying to. At least once I wanted to feel liberated. Now I was fixed. I was determined to bare it all. My soul. My heart. My scars. I'd bare it all before her. Someone should see inside. At least one person in this world should know what's inside me. I wanted her to be that person for me…

* * *

The buzz had quiet down considerably. It was quite late at night around 1 am on my third day here. I was all alone with my thoughts in the spacious hospital room. I got up and went to the window. I slid aside the curtain window. I was one lucky bastard. Outside in the hospital garden opposite my window, so many devoted fans were sitting with get well soon signs and hearts in their hands. They were mostly young girls. I smiled at their naïve love. Looking around, I found the cell phone Yashiro brought me. I picked it up and called him.

"Yashiro, can you do me a favor?"

"Do you have to ask? Just tell me what you want, you rascal."

I chuckled at his exasperated remark. My best friend had been extremely angry and worried about me. Because of my injuries, he had been holding back his scolding but I knew they'll come sooner or later.

"Arrange a food truck for these kids sitting outside in the morning and some flowers for them all. Tell them that I want them to go home and I'll hold a fan meeting as soon as I get well."

"It'll be done. Don't worry and rest. Your schedule is going to be packed for months after you get out of here so rest up well. I'll see you tomorrow. Take care"

"You too. Bye." I put the cell phone away. My thoughts went back to her again. She hadn't even called. It was nagging me. I was agitated. I kept pacing around the room. My cell phone was broken so Yashiro got me a new one with the same number today. She should've called by now. All types of strange fears kept forming in my head. It took all my efforts to keep them out. I just wanted to hold on to hope. She would call. She was not the type to abandon me. Instead she would've been one of those who'd come running to see me first. God, my head hurt thinking of all these things! I needed her. NOW.

Agitated, I looked outside again. What I saw left me dumbfounded for a moment. It couldn't be true. My eyes were definitely playing jokes on me. Frantically I opened the curtains completely and tried to focus on that miracle of a thing outside. I was right. It was her!

In the middle of that crowd of girls was Kyoko. Surely in her blonde hair and strange dressing others could've easily missed to notice her. But not me. It was her for sure. I knew the moment she looked towards my direction through the one way mirror. Those amber eyes belonged to her and her only.

My heart started pounding against my chest. She was here. I didn't know how to control the surge of relief and joy that flushed me. I dialed her number and sure enough outside she picked up.

"Where are you?" I asked as soon as she picked up. It took her a moment before answering.

"Home," she staggered. She was no good at lying to me. I was grinning.

"Come inside. I saw you." I ordered, barely holding the joy out of my voice.

Outside she looked around frantically. Even from here, I could imagine that flushed face of hers being caught red handed.

"Okay," she mumbled and clambered out of the crowd clumsily.

Immediately I cut the call and dialed the guards outside.

"A girl wearing a black hoodie jacket and long blonde hair will come soon. Let her in."

I went back to bed, plumped my pillow and sat up; waiting for her. What was I doing?! I was so excited and so nervous. Arranging my hair and my clothes like a frantic teenager. I loved this nervousness. I loved this excitement. I loved knowing that she would come through those doors any moment now. My heart was pounding.

I hit my cheeks slightly with my hands. Let's not let all the emotions show so soon. One step at a time. Let's finally have some fun with my beloved.

The door slid open and closed behind her. She moved into the light and finally I could see her. It felt as if I was seeing her after ages. I fought the temptation to take into my arms.

Hesitantly she looked at me. I knew what was going in her head. She was nervous about my reaction to her being outside with the fan girls. She was worried that I might scold her. My adorable fool.

But then she looked at me closely and worry clouded her face. The cuts on my face and neck. My broken arm. The bandages all over me. She was worried for me. Her nervousness flew out the window. My fierce girl was here.

She rushed to my side.

"It looks so painful. Are you okay, Tsuruga-san?" She asked, her eyes scanning my wounds. A line creased her forehead. I didn't stop myself this time. My left hand touched her forehead. She froze. I ironed out the crease with my thumb. My hand lingered near her face slightly longer than necessary. Her warm breath fanned it. I didn't want to move it from there. But hesitantly did.

"Calm down, Mogami-san," I whispered. She was my favorite color of her; red and flustered.

"Have a seat." I pointed to the chair next to the bed. She complied.

For a while, no one spoke. I kept stealing glances at her. She was looking anywhere but me. Trying to avoid my gaze.

"I'm highly disappointed in you, Mogami-san. You hurt me," I feigned pain in my complain. She quizzically looked at me. Finally she was properly looking at me. Inside my head, I was chanting "Just keep looking at me. Just keep looking at me. Just keep looking at me."

"It's the third day since my accident and you only came now to see me. I was waiting for you. But you are quite late." She was taken aback by my openly complaining like this. Tongue tied, she just got even more flustered. She looked down in lap and mumbled something.

"Say that again."

With her gaze fixed in her lap, she said a little louder, "I've been here since that day…"

Now it was my time to be shocked. She was here? Where? Outside?!

"Were you outside with those kids?" I asked, my shock apparent in my query. She nodded. Damn, this formality. I wanted her in my arms NOW.

"I'm going to punish you for that." The words left my mouth before my cautious self can stop them. She looked at me, confused and surprised.

And then I did it. What I had been craving for. I got off the bed. Got down on my knees. Our gazes fixed at each other. My left hand grabbed hers and I pulled her into my arms.

"What were you doing outside, you dummy? I was so scared. I thought I'd never see you again." And I let the truth slip out…

* * *

 **Author's note:**

"Every secret of a writer's soul, every experience of his life, every quality of his mind is written large in his works."

Virginia Woolf


	4. I wasn't holding back anymore

So for the first time in my life, I became selfish and I did what I had been urging to do. I hugged her. I pulled her in my arms and by God, for that moment, I was peaceful. It was perfect. That moment was the perfect dream of mine. But it was a dream indeed. For it was okay to be selfish, but in love you are required to be selfless. I forgot that. In search of my own happiness, I forgot that her happiness meant something too. It was Kyoko who I was hugging. The girl who was scarred by love. She won't fall into my arms. She'd stiffen in them. She didn't know how to be loved anymore. And she showed that she was okay. But it was no secret that she wasn't. I didn't have any scar from love. I never dared love. I was always too cautious to approach that radical emotion. But she had once walked that path with her heart on her sleeve. And it got broken. It got crushed. Now she simply hid the shattered pieces in a box in her soul. I had made a mistake, right?…

She stiffened upon hearing my words. She was shocked. I was a criminal barging in her private property. Barging in through her walls without permission. She must be scared of the intruder. I told myself. _Pull away. NOW. You bastard, PULL AWAY._ But at the same time I didn't want to. I wanted to remain selfish despite how cruel it was. Just for a second more, I was going to be selfish just for a second more. I needed it too much. I didn't want to let go. But I did. I let her go. Because I loved her too much. Damn, it hurt to let her out of my embrace.

She hastily moved back and stood up. I remained on the floor. What was I supposed to do in this situation? Apologize? Feign ignorance? I didn't want to do either. This woman was my everything. The reason I wanted to _live_ life not simply endure it. I wasn't going to apologize. I didn't want to be selfless. However, I wouldn't be too selfish either. I'll make her mine from now.

Yes. She was scarred. I needed to move with caution indeed. But that caution should be displayed while moving forward not backing away again. I wasn't going to back out of this love. No. I won't.

The room was smothered by silence. I got on my feet. She was standing a bit away, looking anywhere but at me. Then she snapped her head in my direction, faked a laugh and put her hands on my shoulders, pushing me back to the bed. No. Darling. This time I won't cover it up and I won't let you cover it up either.

"That was a confession."

My words hung in the air between us. I didn't know what went on in her head. My heart was hammering against my rib case. Can she hear it? It was the loudest thing in the room. Should I make her hear it?

I moved towards her. She instinctively moved back. I grabbed her hand and put it on my chest.

"Can you feel it?" Her eyes widened. She felt it…

"That's my heart going crazy for you. It's scared and it's happy. But it's still beating so fast because it knows that its balm is here. You are here." I said softly and slowly. With each word she heard, it felt as if she got even quieter where in reality she hadn't even said a word.

I should stop here. A part of my heart whispered.

But, no. I won't. I will be cautious. Forever with every step I take in my life, I'd be cautious. But not now. Right now she had to hear me. I had to make her listen. She had to know she was loved. It doesn't mean she had to understand that. It didn't mean she had to accept that either. It just meant she had to be aware of that fact. That's it. I planned to make her understand what it meant to be loved as time would go by. She'd learn. We'd learn together.

"When you feel that you're never going to wake up again, the most important thing in your life is the only thing that flashes before your eyes. Mine was you. When I thought I'd die, I saw your face. I love you, Mogami Kyoko. I don't want to hide it anymore."

There. I put it into words. Did my tongue stagger? I wasn't sure. Did I say everything I wanted to? I didn't remember. I had just put it out. Bared myself before her. My heart felt like it would leap out of my mouth. It wanted to escape. I was breaking every rule of mine. I wasn't acting cautious. I wasn't being reserved. For the first time, I was bare. Vulnerable. My heart was confused and nervous. It was beyond scared. I was beyond scared.

Her hand was still on my chest. It was warm. I wanted to ask her to let it stay there for a while. I wanted to ask her to let me keep it forever…

"Can you feel my heart? Can you feel that it's scared too?" I whispered.

Say something, Kyoko. Say something or my brave façade will shatter and I fear I'll go back to being a coward again.

She looked at me. I couldn't comprehend her emotions. Her gaze was unfaltering. It seemed so sad so unsure so scared that I let her hand go unconsciously. She simply turned around and left.

I was left behind scared. Just very very scared. I felt a knife twisting in the pit of my stomach. I wasn't going to let her go. I intended to wait for her. But damn, it hurt like hell when she walked out without a word.


	5. Wooing her

I look at the phone again and again. Turn it off. Turn it on. It vibrates and I pick it up instantly, only to be disappointed again. She wasn't calling me. I was waiting patiently. It's been two days since that incident. She was quiet. Too quiet for my comfort. They way she just walked out hurt like frigging hell but I endured it. I was waiting for her. I had acted too selfish. This much reaction from her was expected. I kept telling myself such things to keep all the fearful thoughts away. Let's not think of the worst.

It was day 5 at the hospital for me and I was finally getting discharged. Yashiro was with me. Boss had sent a company car. I was not allowed to drive anymore. Just great. Sitting in the back seat. That's what I earn all this shitload of money for. Argh. Everything was getting on my nerves. I was too much on the edge and could've snapped at the wrong time at the wrong person for sure.

 _Call me. Call me. Call me. Call me. Or just text. Just speak to me some way. Call me._

The prayer kept going round and round in my head. The car stopped outside my apartment building. Damn. The entire front gate was surrounded by Paparazzi. It was their funeral if they pissed me off today. And well it would be my funeral too, regards of my boss as well as my best friend, if I did something stupid again.

So put on your best behavior, actor boy. And let's go.

Yashiro cleared the way with the help of some guards. I smiled a bit at the cameras. Waved a bit. Showed those soul sucking photographers what they wanted and got inside the building.

I got to my apartment door and opened it. Voila! A wave of flower fragrance hit me all of a sudden. The entire living room was full of flower bouquets and on one side there were letters and maybe care packages. The atmosphere was too sweet for my taste at the moment. I closed the door behind me. And went straight to the kitchen to get myself a glass of water.

Yashiro entered.

"You have this week free, Kuon. So get well. If you need anything, call me. Boss was suggesting getting a nurse to look after you for a while. Should I arrange one?"

"No. I'll be fine."

I wasn't even hearing him. My eyes were fixed at door. She must've found out that I was back home. She should've come. This waiting was driving me mad.

"Yashiro, have you heard from Mogami-san?" I cut him out whatever he was saying. He seemed a taken aback by my blunt inquiry.

"Haven't you heard?"

"Hear what?" _Did something happen to her?_ My concern piqued.

"She left for Takamatsu for a two week shoot. The fashion company Prem was very grateful to her for accepting the last minute job."

I only heard the word "left". She ran away? Were my action extreme to the extent that she had to run away from me? You stupid bastard! You selfish ignorant rascal! She was the girl scared to love! I wanted to kill myself.

"Yashiro, I want to rest. Can you leave?"

"Yeah. Rest well. Call me if you need something." He left.

Quietly, I turned off all the lights of the apartment, went to my bedroom and sat in one corner of the floor. _Just breath. Just breath, Kuon._

All those fears thrashed my efforts of keeping them at bay and went loose. I didn't do a thing. In that pitch black room, I just sat, quietly. I let them go wild.

I was very tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of being afraid to dream. Tired of being cautious and careful. Tired of being empty. I had always been scared of deep emotions. Acting in dramas proved my fears stood correct. Rash emotions never bore good results. The meticulous guy I was, I froze my heart. I wasn't going to let puny feelings control me. That was before Kyoko knocked down my guards and took a seat in my heart's castle.

There are two kinds of being lonely. First is when you don't know what the alternative is like. When you've never been in love. When you've never heard sweet words. When you've never dreamed of being with someone. You are lonely. You know you need to be in someone's embrace. But not knowing the gentle pleasure of that embrace keeps the sanity in check.

Second is when you've tasted the ambrosia of a gentle hug, of a gentle word, of a gentle heart. Once you know what you are missing. Once you realize exactly what you needed, loneliness takes on a indomitable form. It becomes ravage. It forces you to feel the hollowness inside of you . At moments you can actually feel the pain in your chest from seeing or hearing the voice of the one you miss. The one who is supposed to complete you.

The former lets you live. It annoys you only sometimes. The latter makes sure you are in constant agony. It continuously reminds you that you are supposed to be starving for her. Kyoko made me transition from one from of lonely to the other. I am helpless. I cannot let her go. Because it genuinely hurts when I go to sleep in a cold empty bed these days. I really need her.

Knowing that she is trying to run away from me hurts. But letting her run away from me will hurt more. I had to show her that she deserved love. I should heal the scars she got from falling in this trap once. I wasn't gonna let her go.

* * *

I stayed in the dark room for a while. The darkness helped reign in my uncontrollable emotions. I was able to think instead of acting out. I had a decision to make. Whether I follow her to Takatsuki or I wait for her here.

Both options had their charms. Following her would be along the lines of a big romantic gesture. Just like the one you see in movies. The problem was that it wasn't compatible with real life. Disrupting her work will not get me anywhere. However I couldn't let her forget the incident either.

So I decided to wait for her. I had two weeks in which I was to plan out how I was to woo her.

 _Wooing her_. It sounds so charming. I'll admit that I was fighting the urge to giggle.

First of all, I should stop sulking. _Good idea._ I got up, switched on the lights and went to the washroom to freshen up. The cast on my arm posed quite a hindrance. I was actually pondering on whether I should just cut off my shirt or not.

I didn't.

After sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee in my hands, I started to plan. What was I doing wrong? I was not approaching her. Instead of waiting for her to call, I should call her. As simple as calling her may sound, after my confession I was a tad nervous about it.

The first ten minutes were spent by me on just staring at her number. Did I say tad nervous? It was actually a helluva nervous. Finally, manning up, I dialed her number. It rang once, twice, thrice. With every ring, my heart was going to leap out. _Pick up. Pick up. Pick up._ One thing I knew about Kyoko was that she would never ever intentionally let my call go to voicemail. However, that was before our little incident. She didn't pick up. My heart sank.

What now? Should I call again? It's not like one cannot accidently miss a call. I decided to call again. She didn't pick up.

I was sure now. She was ignoring me. That was to be expected, I guess. I shouldn't be let down. Let's write a text. After much deliberation, I decided to keep it simple.

"Hi. How are you doing? I got discharged from the hospital, in case you are wondering. Have a nice day."

Sent.


	6. Waiting for her

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. I hate this so much. Being this obsessed with the desire to have her. Being this fixated on the need to be with her. Waking up with the thought of her. Going to sleep with the wish for her. When did I become so poetic? I didn't realize it. Was I always so philosophical? I don't remember at all.

I only know that ever since my heart started to hurt for her, to ache for her, to long for her, I've transformed into another person. This is not me. This crazy person who jumps with joy at the mention of her is a foreigner to me. I myself am bewildered at the extent of my infatuation with her.

It was a bit chilly. Cool breeze was blowing ever so gently. The streets were cheerful. People were out making the most of the gay weather. When the breeze hit my chest, I felt a slight coldness. At that moment immediately a thought rushed to my mind and a longing seeped into my heart so strong, it shook me. It was so amazingly transcendent of a trance that I felt that if I just stretched out my hand, the air will morph into the shape of her warm hand and I could just pull her right into my arms then and there. The intensity of the reality of that trance was beyond description of mere words. It was beautiful. It was sad. It was lonely. A lump formed in my throat. A tear threatened to escape. When did I start longing her like this? When did my emotions become my reality?

I had texted her yesterday. Simple message. I was still waiting for the reply. I was really trying to give her time and space. If it was some other girl, I probably wouldn't have been so considerate. But Kyoko having sworn off love makes things tricky.

It was around 1 PM. A week off work means I had more time with my thoughts. Don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. But if I had to choose, I'd choose the latter. Yashiro dropped by in morning to check up on me with the doctor. I was told I was recovering magnificently. The choice of adjective by the doctor was pretty hilarious. He was kind of taken aback by my presence. At this point, I'd like to point out that I am not a narcissist. This actually happens when you are a celebrity. People just get a bit star-struck. And since I was trying to distract my mind from constantly gawking my phone, I took notice of it.

Except for her number, I had customized all other incoming calls and texted to be muted. But still every time the screen brightened from receiving a notification, my heart will beat fast for a moment. I'll scold itself back to reality later. And then she finally texted!

 _"I'm very happy to know your health is improving. I'll be back in ten days. Would you like to meet then?_

 _-Mogami Kyoko"_

My heart stopped. I was expecting so little. Like a simple hello. This was beyond my wildest imagination! This almost feels like she is giving me a chance!

I was grinning! A surge of overwhelming happiness over took me. Am I blessed? Really? Wow!

I was holding onto the cell phone like an idiot; reading the text over and over again! My cheeks were hurting from all the smiling I was doing! Okay. So now it was my time to reply. I shouldn't make her wait!

"I hope you are doing well. I'm beyond glad to have received your text. Yes. I would really like to meet you when you get back. I will be waiting for you very patiently."

So this much was good. The three words. Should I write them or not? Would that be pushing it? Or maybe I should write them so she would know that I didn't back out. I had to write something of those romantic sorts. Maybe not I love you directly but something similar. Think. Think. I like you? Seriously. Am I dumb or what? I like you is not good enough! Think. Think. Think. I'm smitten over you? Okay. Now I was considering punching myself! Stop being a dummy, Tsuruga Ren and think of a good ending!

After a few minutes of very careful deliberation, I chose a cliché. Nothing too burdensome. But romantic and on point nonetheless. Simple. Almost disappointingly uncreative. But that was the whole point. Something that will not burden her.

 _"I hope you are doing well. I'm beyond glad to have received your text. Yes. I would really like to meet you when you get back. I will be waiting for you very patiently._

 _-Tsuruga Ren_

 _P.S. I missed you…"_

Sent. My heart was palpitating. I was nervous. This nervousness is delightful. It's new. It's risky. It's interesting. I like this gamble. The rush. The emotions. The adrenaline. The surge of joy. It's different than any other game in this world. Because if you get lucky in this gamble, you win life. And if you lose, you lose life. When stakes are so high, the rush would be out of this world as well. It's delightful!

And….she replied!

" :)

 _-Mogami Kyoko_ "


End file.
